Long(ing)

All the mysteries of seduction and the art of the pickup adapted for the female sex. Want to spend your life carelessly bedhopping? Read on…

Select a target. When out at a club, bar or party, look around for your target. Make sure it’s someone you don’t like. You may be wondering, how do I know if I like him or not, because I am just in the process of looking around at some hot club? Meaning, my gaze is clouded by Axe fumes, my judgement is clouded by novelty shots and many gin-and-tonics, plus it’s probably dark? While these dark and cloudy conditions may mean I am not likely to find someone I do like, how can I be sure I will find someone I do not like? That is an excellent question. Sometimes finding someone you don’t like can be almost as difficult as finding someone you do. Make sure you do it with care. Picture a guy who you do like very much — a guy whose charming, considered and responsible masculinity embodies why you remain hetero, who makes you feel open and expansive, with whom you watch Netflix curled up with your head on his chest while he feeds you cookies and says sarcastic things about the movie — think about that guy, and look for his opposite as hard as you can.
Sleep with him. This is so easy it doesn’t require explanation. If you have selected your target correctly, simply saying “Want to have sex?” will be 100% effective. If you don’t feel like saying that, just mash your face into his face. If you feel pangs and/or qualms about doing so, order another drink. If your pang-qualms persist, repeat.
Don’t let him say anything that might cause you to like him. I hope you selected your target with care: that he has the requisite amount of dime-store clearance gel shellacking smelly, unwashed hair. That he bit you while you made out in the cab; that he said something dick-ish about your apartment, and — at least once — he drunkenly burped in your mouth. But! If, perhaps while you are staring at the ceiling of your darkened bedroom after the conclusion of several seconds of sex, and he opens his mouth: beware. He may say he trains seeing-eye dogs for a living. He may have a funny discussion with you that ranges into why everyone you know is getting married, or may say something insightful and weirdly supportive about your problems at work, or recommend a restaurant you later visit and love. Don’t let it happen. Defenses include making up a weird lie that means he needs to get a cab and leave now.
Don’t compare him to other people (such as the guy you’re trying to get over, who never gels his hair or does horrible biting things, the guy who let you know, post-Netflix/cookie moments, that he’s not looking for anything serious).
Do not let him call you again. Giving a fake number is an amateur move. If you make the mistake of doing so, and he goes, “oh, let me call you and then you’ll have mine,” there are a few ways to play it off. Pretend your phone is silent (angle it away from him hastily). Or, if you’re feeling like a real pro: just stare at him. He sees your phone. He sees it’s not ringing. He goes: “uh…” You continue to stare. Now, at that point, a smart man blushes and runs away. But if you selected your target correctly, we’re not dealing with a smart man. So you may need to explain to him that you have given him a fake number and, thus, your phone is not now ringing when he calls it. Then explain you gave him the fake number because you do not want to see him again. Exhausting.

Better yet is to avoid that amatuer move and just give him your number. Ignore all texts, and if he calls, pick up. Say: “Oh, yeah, you. Can I call you right back? Five minutes.” Hang up before he can assent. Never call him back.

Don’t repeat. Next time you’re a at club, bar or party, don’t bother to look around for targets. You now remember why this is a bad idea.
Get drunk, causing you to forget why this is a bad idea again.
Repeat.

“The Game”—For Women!

Brie Hero